A week left before my final competition starts.
But before I qualified for the WorldSkills Asia 2023, I went through four competitions: District, Regional, National, and ASEAN.
And those past four competitions that I went through had something in common with each other: a big reason that drove me in those competitions aside from my curiosities was because I have to prove myself. I have to prove that I was great, that I deserve to be a national finalist (during the national competition) or a national competitor (during ASEAN). Especailly during my latest Competition which was the ASEAN Skills Competiton 2023 last July, the training period for that Competition was the hardest for me. It was a period where everyday felt like hell on the inside. I was constantly filled with self-doubt and anxiousness that ended up with me developing an ego as high as Mt. Everest. There were too much pressure—mostly coming from myself—to win, to prove that I was deserving of being a gold medalist during the national competition; hence I ended up being egoistic throughout my training period that no good ideas cant get through me.
Thankfully, after the ASEAN competition, I had a few months of break before my last training period started. From those several weeks, I got to experience falling in love, losing, grief, failures, letting go of several storied that I held on for too long, as I navigate the path of 'after-achieving-what-you-wanted'.
And before my training period for the WorldSkills Asia 2023 started, I got into several realizations as I condition myself for the training. I realized how my ego got into the way of ideas getting through me and how I was being dishonest with myself by making it all about 'proving myself'; the reason why I got here was because I was curious and over time, the need to prove my worth to others got ahead of it, which is not good; that while winning a medal felt good for a very short time, I realized that the greatest joy for me during my latest competition wasn't when I won the medal during the closing ceremony. It was BEFORE. The moment during and after the 3-day competition when I got all the tasks and deliverables done and well—that moment was when I was in flow and afterwards, a joy I have never felt ever followed. So even before the closing ceremony happened when it was announced that I won a medal, I was already proud and happy because I did what was needed and I do not need any external validation for that. I knew it for myself.
And so my last training period started with me thinking that I am not doing this anymore because I have to prove myself. I am now finally doing this wholeheartedly without the need to prove myself to others, I am doing this because I feel like it is my calling, this is what i wanted, and my mission.
And I cannot believe what happened in the weeks that passed. I felt peace during training like never before.
There is exhaustion and mental toll from the 14-16 hours of training. Everyday. However, I constantly feel the stillness inside me.
Ideas are constantly flowing through me like a faucet left on. I was more grounded and centered and I wasn't self-sabotaging like how I usually do during training. And people around me can feel it. They were wondering why I was energetic even with the hours that I put in during training and the answer is short: because I do not add unnecessary pressure into my life and do not question myself I was deserving of any of this.
I just constantly put in the reps and focus on my training. I knew from the past competitions, that the results are not something that I can control; what I can control is how I perform during the competition and hence, I put in the reps. Always. Constantly. And I feel joy whenever I do reps. Also, every now and then, an idea will pop up and I either incorporate it or just drop it for next time.
It feels great to be living a life that is more true and honest to myself. These past few weeks, I show up just as I am. I do not make myself more 'higher' or downgrade myself. I am no longer proving myself and it resulted to me no longer being conscious of other people looking at my work when I train. Whereas for my past training periods, I was constantly conscious and kept blocking the computer screen with my hands whenever someone looks at my work, but now, not once, had I ever done that (considering how a lot of people have visited me during my training these days, that speaks A LOT in how I changed).
Writer Isabel (@isabelunraveled on X) wrote, "humility often gets misinterpreted as portraying yourself as less than what you are. but true humility is seeing yourself exactly as you are: a self-image that is not inflated or deflated but *accurate*: when you show up as you are, you can attract what is meant for you. you meet what comes your way at the level you genuinely exist at, allowing you to claim what you deserve."
Despite the exhaustion that comes from the training, I am genuinely feeling peaceful with every deliberate practice that I am doing. Peaceful in a way that I know that i am putting in the work needed, fullfilling my curiousities, answering my Calling, and sharing what I learned to the next batch of competitors.
However, had those actions that I done in the past had not happened, I would not get into this point. So while I am feeling sorry of how egoistic I turned out to be in my last competition, I feel that it has to happened for me to reached this point of stillness. I had to experience the pain of ego for me to realize why it is not the path to go to.
Truly that it is when you go down into the abyss, that you will find treasure. The 'treasure' does not mean the material things, but the intangible and invisible to the eyes, which are much, much more essential.
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