Non Runners

By pauldaviescartoons on September 25, 2024

I'm a non runner. I've always been a non runner. I don't even recall running for a bus and if I did it would be mercifully short before I gave up. Years ago at school I tried to avoid running, athletics being for the athletic, my PE reports a creative challenge for the retired prison guard who was our PE Master, the best being " Tries hard, fails miserably". He was wrong again there, I was not in the least bit miserable about not being interested in climbing a rope and witnessing a classmate go head first into a 'horse', and suffering concussion was enough to persuade me not to try too hard. I enjoyed rugby as there seemed to be a purpose to the running, so I did, but I was built for comfort not speed. Cross Country was something I managed to avoid for the entire 7 year sentence, though I was always willing to cheer on those that did take part.

I recall a conspiracy on the Big Cross Country Day when the runners approached a small bridge over a stream. Knowing that one of our most unpopular prefects was in the race, a boy with poor eyesight, when we spotted him at a distance ,several of us made a 'tunnel' of cheering fans just along from the bridge he was supposed to run over and he fell for it, running between us and ending knee deep in the stream. There followed another stream, this time invective from the muddy victim as he swore he would take his revenge on us later, but again without his specs he was unable to identify any of us.

Running has come a long way since those days of yore. It seems to be the pastime of all sorts of types and there are of course park runs with hundreds of people getting together in Lycra. Park runs seem to be for chubbies who feel they can run with others, rarely running on their own on the streets. Street runners generally look as if they don't need to run, at one end of the spectrum they glide along seemingly oblivious to any strain at all. They may well be unable to walk. Less experienced street runners generally hide running weaknesses by covering themselves in little gizmos that tell them all they don't need to know about their heart rate and probably the bank rate. Generally lone runners and men, again they rarely look like they need to run.

Then there are the older ones, who seem to always wear the headband which diverts from their bald patch. Although they've run for years they have slowed a bit, some knee weakness is at times apparent and some run at an angle of 30 plus degrees to the road giving the distinct impression that they may fall over at any time. Perhaps this is a tactic to keep them running as the thrusting forward leg keeps then just about upright. The lean back runner is generally anything but lean. Arms seem to go quicker than the legs and look a little like they are reeling a large ball of wool that's got slightly out of control. Some pinkness in the visage confirms that this is all quite an effort. Don't speak to them, they hardly have any spare breath to respond. If they come up from behind you, you will likely hear them approach as the chafing of Lycra is almost as loud as their struggle for breath.

Then there are what I call the 'Naturals'. We lived next door to a 'Natural' for a while. A near Olympic standard runner who seemed to just glide along as if motorised. She made it look like the most natural thing in the world to run a mile down the road to post a letter and then run back up the hill without any semblance of slowing down. If you see one like this frame it in your memory, it's not a regular occurrence, you can sometimes spot them from a distance with pony tail taking on a separate regular movement almost like a propellor on a spitfire just before taxiing for take off at an allied airfield somewhere on the South Coast. Queue Eric Coates anthem.

So here's to all my fellow non runners, be comforted by the fact that your knees will last longer even if you do have to struggle getting out of the armchair. Go for a walk, at least with that you can talk as well as walk, anyone who runs and talks cannot be doing it properly.