My 45th birthday was last week and I've been doing some pondering. Birthdays tend to be the time when I think and ponder and mull over the past year and look forward to the future.
I took a walk with the babies a couple of weeks ago, thinking about life and my upcoming birthday. I feel I've hit a plateau in life. If you are over 45, did you feel that around this age? I feel like I've hit a pleateau and maybe I've been here before, but this feels a little different. It's typical for me to walk and think, even now that I am a mom with a double stroller reaching out in front of me, I still walk and think.
Fifteen years ago I was 30 years of age. I lived in an apartment. I was single. I didn't have children. I worked a nondescript, dead-end-job at a corporate bakery chain. What did I want then?
I wanted to meet someone and get married. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to own my own business.
Now, fifteen years later, I am married to Adam, I am a mom to Daniel and Benjamin, I own a house and I own a business.
Everything I dreamed about and everything I wanted when I was 30 years old has happened.
There's a big question in my heart and heart soul these days and it is: Now What?
What's next? What do I have to look forward to? What do I dream about? What do I want?
As I walked and thought about this I felt it could go a few ways, namely, maintaining...maintaining a marriage, parenting, a house and a business.
But that didn't make me feel overly joyful or peaceful. Maintaining something is work. A lot of work.
And not like I am afraid of work or don't like it, it just seemed hard. And not fun.
But then...I thought of 'Enjoyment'. Enjoying being married, enjoying being a parent, enjoying my house and enjoying my business.
There is work involved, yes, but the thought of enjoying these things gave me a lightness of heart that simply 'maintaining' didn't.
So, I enter into year 45 still asking 'What now?' and trying to enjoy my house, marriage, sons and business.
What does enjoyment look like? That is another question.
Also, something I was thinking about today, 'Who do I want to be when I'm 50?'. Looking short term at the next five years; who do I want to be when I am fifty years old?
I want to be a faithful and loving wife to Adam, a loving and caring mom to Daniel and Benjamin. These are my closest relationships. I also still would love to live where we do and still enjoy running a business.
When I look at who I want to be, whether it is the age I am at now, or at 50, 60, 70 years and beyond, I want to be a woman who is kind and generous. Someone who is loving and kindhearted and welcoming to others. Someone who is understanding. Someone who lives a life of peace and trust and faithfulness to God and those around me. I want to be someone who confident and energetic as I go about my day. I want to not worry about my life; to forget about myself and live for God and others. To be sensitive to the needs of those around me. Oh...all that and so much, so very, very much more.
If I want to be that kind of woman, and yet, if that's who I want to be at 50 and older, I have a long way to go. A very, long, long way to go.
I see someone now, at 45, who seems to be constantly worried about her life, how she is going to make ends meet in her personal and business life. Someone who nags at her husband. Someone who is very worried and anxious and lives in a pool of fear and anxiety. I see someone who is cares about what others think of her and how they perceive her. I see someone who is controlling. I see someone who is always tired and overwhelmed and dragging through the days. Someone who is completely tapped out and has given all she can give. I see someone who tries...but ultimately doesn't quite measure up. The things I do don't seem to turn out quite how I envision them.
On the outside I may seem in control and confident and strong and know exactly what I am doing. And yet...on the inside I see a little girl with a very bruised heart who is just trying to make it through the day. Self-protection seems to be my mode of operation in the form of confidence and control. Underneath, there is a lot of pain inside.
Where is this life that I wish I had -- the person who is kind and generous and welcoming? Where is the person who lives in trust and faith and peace and a total reliance on Jesus? I want to be that person...and yet...how?
I'm still pondering and praying about my personal 'What now?'.
No comments:
Post a Comment