I'm watching my little nephew, Levi, this morning. Yes, the same nephew that I was watching back in September when my sister-in-law had her lung transplant.
My sister-in-law has recovered remarkably well and is on her last three weeks of physical therapy, clinics and tests. It's been a long three months and I am sure we are all looking forward to this phase of her recovery being done.
I know that I am getting a little weary of watching Levi -- just being honest. As I said, it's been a long three months and although there have been other caretakers around, helping out, I was here when they first got the call that there was a donor match and I am in this for the long haul. Not like I haven't had days off, and quite frankly, it's been relatively low stress, but it seems like it's just been a long time. The weather was warm when I started and now it's 20 degrees outside, the seasons have shifted, and we still have three more weeks to go. I know this time of helping is short in light of the whole of life, and especially in light of eternity, but I think I am just itching to get back to my own life and routine. It's getting towards the end of this phase and isn't the end always the hardest?
This past week was Thanksgiving and we had a busy couple of days. We don't travel anywhere for the holidays, which is nice, but it's still a whirlwind of activity. Thursday was Thanksgiving so we were over at my mom's for most of the day with family.
I recently accepted a job at my brother's art glass studio as the office manager, which sounds more fancy than it is. It's about ten hours a week, give or take, and my mom has had the job for almost ten years, so I am taking over the position so she can retire. The training for the job will take place over the course of a year, as there are some tasks she does every week, some once a month, some quarterly and some just once a year. Friday morning this past week found me at 'The Studio' with my mom doing our weekly administrative tasks.
Friday afternoon I had invited my sister's two oldest kids to come over and spend the night. My sister's husband is still deployed and my sister is getting a little overwhelmed and weary being a single parent. So I thought that it would be fun to have them over so we could have some niece and nephew time and to give my sister a little break. I didn't have to have them over, but according to the Ennegram scale I am a Type 2, which is a Helper...and I can't help but Help. It's in my nature. It's who I am and it seems if there is a need I have to at least try to fill it. Maybe to a fault.
It was great fun having Amelia and Titus over though. We did some Messy Art with craft acrylics, made cupcakes, watched the classic Rudoph cartoon, went to a neighborhood craft show, climbed all over Playground City (As my nephew calls the park playground), ate lots of mac 'n cheese and were entertained by our guinea pigs for about two hours on Saturday afternoon. All this while I was keeping up with Black Friday orders from my website.
There was a moment at the playground, as my husband and I stood around talking while the kids played, that we were discussing the socialization of my sister's kids and how we could get them out of their shell a bit and be around other kids. They are homeschooled, and while there is nothing wrong with being homeschooled, they tend to be a little lacking in the friend & peer area. And as we talked I briefly bemoaned my Ennegram Helper constituion. 'I know it's not my problem,' I said.
'You just want to help out', said Adam.
'Yes. It's my Type 2-ness,' I said unhappily.
'The world does need Type 2's', said Adam. A matter-of-fact statement, which made me feel better and made me want to cry at the same time. I felt a little weight lift.
These past few months, not only have they been long, they have been harder than I realize. It hasn't been easy. At first, being the main caretaker for Levi when my sister-in-law was in the hospital. It was a full time job during the week, essentially running two households. Then, after she was released, other caretakers came along to help with her and Levi, but I was still heavily involved. Although I had (Thankfully) quit my part-time job in August, it still felt like a lot. What is it about me, where I feel like I have to help in every situation?
Over the years I've let go of a lot of things and I've made time for myself more and more, to do the things that I enjoy doing, but I still take on a lot. Or so it seems. I told my husband this morning, as I was complaining about having to watch Levi, 'I just want to stay home and make art'.
Where is this balance in life? Balancing helping others and staying home to make art? Balancing watching my nieces and nephews and running a business? Where is this balance of taking care of myself while also taking care of my husband? The balance of taking introvert time, writing, reading, staring into space, with being active with the needs of my extended family? IS there a balance? I do feel like I balance things well, however my introvertness and self-care seems to get the short end of the stick. My inner life cries for a day to do nothing. To rest. Sometimes it's hard for me to rest.
And my husband has something to say about that too. 'Rest is a part of life', he told me recently. Ah, yes. It is. I forget. Not only is rest a part of life, I believe it really is essential to living a full life with Jesus.
So I try to rest when I can, at least so I have energy to go out and help again, if not make art.
The funny thing about art is that making it requires a lot of TIME, ENERGY, THOUGHTFULNESS, RESEARCH, and MAKING MISTAKES. It requires PROTYPES and THINKING and RE-THINKING and CONCEPTS and VISUALIZATION. It requires you to be ok with making a MESS and then making more of a MESS and at the end of the day you might just scrap it all and go back to the drawing board to try it all again in a different way. Making art is tiring.
Where do I put my energy? Into helping others or making art? Where is the balance? Can I to both? The thing is, I do love to do both. I really do. When I went upstairs this morning to get Levi out of his crib my heart melted. I had missed him over the weekend and I was happy to be able to watch him again.
There's a balance and there is a pull, a tension between giving and taking. Between giving out and resting.
This question is for all my fellow Type 2's out there... How do you balance your time? How do you balance your self-care with helping? You giving with your taking? And if you're an artist too...how do you balance that?
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