Just a heads up, this post includes experiences regarding overthinking and anxiety. If you are not up for it now, then I advise you to not continue further. I extremely hope that you'll feel better soon.
"In one word, how would you describe how you felt last year?" my psychiatrist asked me during our session.
I stopped and think. Really think of what word captures the ups and downs of the wild year that is 2022.
"Weird," I answered.
I paused again—composing the next words that will come out of my mouth.
"In a sense, I should have felt happy and satisfied overall because of the events that conspired last year; I won district and regional competitions. I qualified for a national competition for the first fcking time. I've learned new technical skills. I gained experiences as an architectural intern and a graphic design intern (both of which are incredibly daunting and scary, yet exciting for me and I made it through, hell yeah!). I've been to and learned new places probably more than in any year in my entire life. I met so many great people who made me feel loved. I achieved things that at the beginning of the year scared me, that I would not get to through the end of it and yet I did it." I shared.
"And somehow, even after all of it, I still overthink and am still extremely anxious. I should be happy now, that I made it through all of that. And yet, it's like all of those did not make any difference. I'm still me."
Honestly, this conversation with my psychiatrist happened more than a month ago. However, writing about this now makes me think that... did I just do all of those things last year because I really am interested in them, or is it because it diverts my attention to the raging storm within me?
To some degree, I can confidently say, yes. I did all of those because I am genuinely interested and happy doing them. I love learning new skills. I love meeting new people. I enjoyed practicing for a competition. I love going to new places I had never been to before and learning all about the details behind the tangible heritage that makes up our cities.
But maybe this is just like the cartoon from the New Yorker published last 2018, its description states, "Two people on beach vacation realize they haven't escaped themselves. [1]"
Probably even just for a bit, maybe I was doing all of those because it is a way to get away from my anxious thoughts. Doing things in the present makes me less anxious. And now that everything was finally over, all my overthinking and anxiety poured like a supertyphoon finally landing on the mainland.
Right now, I am getting help and... I am not sure how it will all unfold at the end.
But I guess, my best bet now is to hope, continue doing things that I love, and love my loved ones because if not, then what the hell am I even doing here?
I am just... extremely grateful to still have reasons to carry on.
[1] Oh no by Will McPhail. (n.d.). Conde Nast. Retrieved February 17, 2023, from https://condenaststore.com/featured/oh-no-will-mcphail.html
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