"I do not think that I'm gonna make it by the end of the week."
These are my thoughts every Monday since April 2022, the start of my second semester at university. Alongside my uni, I also enrolled in a graphic design class outside of my university so all in all, these past three to four months had been a lot of work. Every Monday when I get a batch of new deadlines and things to do, I look at my to-do list and think, 'I think I'm gonna die before I even accomplish all of this."
And every end of the week, I would be shocked when I looked back at my to-do list, all or 90% of them are already crossed out. At first, I was terrified every Monday because of the number of tasks that I have to accomplish for the week, but then when I notice that pattern of mine of how I get so scared every Monday. I suddenly was less terrified, not to the point that I feel relaxed but more of, in the line of, 'I've felt this last week and the other week and the weeks before, I will make it by the end of the week and get through this all.' So while I still feel scared and have doubts that I may not make it to the end of the week, I believe in myself now more that I knew that whatever happened in the week, it always works out and I always made it through.
In his 3-2-1 newsletter, author James Clear shared, "Whatever your identity is right now, you only believe it because you have proof of it. If you go to church every Sunday for twenty years, you have evidence that you are religious. If you study biology for one hour every night, you have evidence that you are studious. If you go to the gym even when it's snowing, you have evidence that you are committed to fitness. The more evidence you have for a belief, the more strongly you will believe it."
In retrospect, maybe I don't believe in myself so much about my ability to get through these challenges because I just do not have evidence backing up for it. I did not think that I could pursue graphic design with my uni classes at the same time and I was so terrified that I would fail in both because I haven't done it before. It's crazy to think how there are many things in my life that I am scared to pursue and that's because the fear of failure keeps stopping me from going for it—when most of the time, its because I just don't have evidence or experience in the past that provides evidence that I made through this and if ever do or encounter it again, I could make it through. Hence if I continue taking risks in pursuing my curiosities, I have no doubts that I will still be terrified—I do not think it ever goes away—but alongside that feeling, my belief that I could go through it just like I had since I was put into this world, is greater now since I already have experiences backing up for it.
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